


Broadening Horizons

by WolfieOnAO3



Category: Good Omens (TV), Raffles (TV 1977), Raffles - E. W. Hornung
Genre: A. J. Raffles - Freeform, Aziraphale/Crowley - Freeform, Best Friends, Bunny Manders - Freeform, Comedy, E. W. Hornung, Fandom, Gen, Humor, M/M, Other, Pen and Zoph, This is written for my little brother who requested jt!, aziraphale - Freeform, crowley - Freeform, niche AF, raffles/bunny - Freeform, sort of meta, star trek based swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:20:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28051563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfieOnAO3/pseuds/WolfieOnAO3
Summary: 'Who’s A. J. Raffles?’Zophiel made an incomprehensible spluttering sort of sound. ‘Only, like, the coolest, cleverest, most lovely, squishy, adorable gentlemen cricketer, like, ever! He kinda reminds me of Crowley...The angels Penemue and Zophiel are back! But what with Crowley sleeping his way through 2020, and Aziraphale evidently Dealing With Things by doing nothing but obsessively baking (not as fun to watch as The Great British Bake Off would have us believe), our newly appointed Earth Liaison Officers have to find a new obsession to occupy their time...
Comments: 7
Kudos: 3
Collections: Crime & Christmas 2020





	Broadening Horizons

**Author's Note:**

> FOR JASPER! This totally counts as a bonus early Christmas present, bro. So Merry Christmas pahahaha!
> 
> This is quite possibly, probably most definitely, the most niche thing I have ever written.

_Mise-en-scène_

Heaven. Lower Upper Basement Level. 

A door bearing a skewiff sign which reads: "Earth Observation Department". The word " _Observation_ " has been scribbled out in purple marker pen and above it, on the dismal grey door panelling, is the handwritten word, "Liaison". The i's are dotted with hearts.

_To the Office Interior_

Chaotic. Disorganised. Tiny. Several large PearMac viewing screens cover the bulk of the far wall, each displaying a different scene of significance from Earth's history, and one showing an episode of _Punk'd_. One wall is nearly entirely covered by a handmade poster bearing multiple photographs of the Demon known as Crowley and the Principality Aziraphale, surrounded by hand drawn love hearts. There is a distressing amount of glitter.

Our two heroes sit industriously at their desks.

And… _ACTION!_

* * *

‘Pen?’

‘Mmsfffsffppphh….’

‘Pen, wake up!’

‘Don’tssfftt…. Left it in the paper horse…’

‘I know, I found it already. Argh, Pen, _stop sleeping!_ I’m _bored!’_

An angel whose head was surrounded less by a halo and more by a mass of very unruly curls, levelled a sharp, converse-footed kick at the desk chair of their sleeping companion. As their colleague's chair was of the _wheeled_ variety, this kick sent both chair and occupant skittering across the very small and very cluttered room in which the pair were housed, until coming to an abrupt stop upon meeting with a filing cabinet. This crash dislodged a stack of papers which promptly avalanched over the angel Penemue’s head.

Penemue woke up.

‘Argh! What the hell, Zophiel! What’s happening? Why am I covered in paper? What in the name of _Nyota Uhura_ did you _do to me_ ?! Did you _kick me?’_ ’

Zophiel smiled serenely. ‘Oh, you’re awake? Good morning, starshine!’

Penemue glared at their friend’s perfectly innocent face. ‘...You _did_ kick me.’

‘No I didn’t.’

‘Yes you did; there’s glitter from your stupid shoes on my chair.’

‘That might be from _your_ stupid shoes!’

‘Nuh-uh,’ Penemue replied as they gracelessly scooted their chair back across to the desk, leaving a trail of paper leaves in their wake. Most of these were covered in doodles of angels and demons and those S’s that are neither the _Superman_ S nor the _Stussy_ S, but in other universes, were both. ‘My shoes have _purple_ glitter. This is _green._ ’

‘Oh, well, _whatever_ ,’ Zophiel said with a vague and dismissive flick of their hand. ‘Now you’re awake, come look what I’ve found. It’s, like, totally the best thing _ever_!’

‘What? Have Aziraphale and Crowley finally decided what colour to re-paint their bedroom!?’

‘Oh, no, nothing so exciting as _that_ ,’ Zophiel replied, with complete, and somewhat disappointed, sincerity. To Penemue and Zophiel, even _literally_ watching paint dry was the most fascinating thing in the world, if that paint was in any way related to the demon Crowley and the angel Aziraphale. Their fanaticism knew no bounds. When it came to Aziraphale and Crowley, Zophiel and Penemue were about as chill as a hot-sauce sandwich in a volcano. ‘But still, it’s pretty freakin’ rad. I’ve been going back through old observation recordings, and stuff, like, stuff _other_ than the _Ineffable Husbands_ , and--’

‘I thought we agreed to call them _Air Conditioning_?’

‘ _You_ agreed, not me. I hate that. It’s so, like, _90s_.’

‘Pah! Talk about the cat calling the parrot annoying; have you _seen_ the way you dress? _Virgin who can’t drive_ , much? _Wyld Stallyns_ , much? Anyway, Air Conditioning is more, you know, _spy-ish_. If Michael overhears you talking about “Ineffable Husbands”, she’s totally gonna know what you mean, and totally flip out, and--’

'Okay, _A:,’_ Zophiel interrupted, ‘when the hell is _Michael_ going to overhear me say _anything_? She wouldn’t come near our office even if she had a _hazmat suit_ , not unless the _literal end of the universe_ was about to happen. And even when it _was_ the actual literal end of the world _,_ she stayed here like, what, thirty seconds? _And_ I saw her use hand sanitizer when she left. That was before that coronavirus thing made hand sanitizer cool, too, so she was totally just being a bitch. And _B:_ …Wait, what were we talking about, again?’

‘You were telling me you’ve been cheating on Aziraphale and Crowley with something else exciting.’

‘Oh! Yes! Right! _So_ , I was looking back through old recordings, ‘cos you know things are kinda _dullsville_ on earth right now, what with Crowley _still sleeping_ , and Aziraphale just making endless boring old lemon cakes, and, like, the whole world being pretty much stuck indoors--’

‘It is pretty dull.’

‘Well, yeah, exactly. So I thought, you know, maybe some humans in the _past_ have done something interesting that we missed. They do sometimes _do_ interesting things. At least they could go outside and meet up, anyway.’

‘Like Alexander the Great. I liked him. He went out a _lot_.’

‘Oh, yeah! He was brilliant. Man, we were _so_ invested in that character arc. What development!’

‘But I wish him and Hephaestion hadn’t kept, like, going all over and fighting all those boring wars, though.’

‘Totally. And that _ending_ …’

‘Oh, dude… Like, yeah, it was super romantic, and tragic, and poetical but… You know, I like happy endings. I don’t care if they aren’t _cool_ , or _clever,_ or _poignant_ , like, I just want people to live happily ever after. Is that _so much_ to ask?’

‘We’ll always have the Coffee Shop AUs,’ Zophiel replied, sadly.

Pen nodded. ‘We’ll always have the coffee shop AUs.’

‘AND,’ Zophiel said with a toss of their curls and a fire shining in their eyes, ‘ _now_ we have _Raffles!_ ’

‘Awesome! What’s that?’

‘Okay, okay, rewind a bit. So, remember, like, when Crowley slept for a zillion years?’

‘I think it wasn’t a _zillion..._ ’

‘Felt like it. But whatever, however long, doesn’t matter. Important bit is that he was sleeping through the Victorian era, so we weren’t paying very much attention, until--’

‘Until he woke up! Oh, god, remember that? That was so fun. Well, the war bit wasn’t, but then we got _the 1920s_ , and--’

‘Oh my god, and he became a _flapper_.’

‘Crowley looked _so cool_ as a flapper!’

‘So good! And that time when they got trashed at Stephen Tennant’s New Year’s party and--’ Zophiel stopped mid-sentence and scrunched up their face, pushing their hand into their hair. ‘Stop getting me off topic, Pen! I’m trying to tell you about Raffles and Bunny!’

‘Don’t blame me for you lack of attention span, loser! And what’s that? Sounds like a hallmark card.’

‘Shut up, and I’ll _show_ you what it is -- _who_ _they are_. So, you know we both love Sherlock Holmes?’

‘I thought we were talking about ...Ruffles, or whatever?’

‘Raffles. And I’m getting there! It _starts_ with Holmes and Watson-- or, well, it did for me. I suppose it didn’t start with Holmes and Watson for _them_ , but--’

‘I wish they hadn’t _lied_ about them both retiring _together_ to Sussex.’

‘Huh?’

‘Holmes and Watson. The books would have had a much nicer ending if they’d told the truth. The truth was _cute_.’

‘Oh, with the cottage!’

‘And the bees!’

‘And the _puppy!_ ’

‘And the midnight skinny-dipping in the-- Actually, I think I sort of see why they left most of their retirement out.’

‘Probably wouldn’t have gone down too well. At least _we_ know the truth.’

‘Right on! Er ...So, what, then? Holmes and Watson won a rabbit in a raffle?’

‘What?’ For a moment the angel Zophiel bluescreened, before their mind rebooted in Pen mode. ‘Argh, no, _stupid_. Right, _so_ , Watson’s literary agent was the _brother-in-law_ of this super cool dude called Hornung, who, like, wrote about Australia and stuff... whatever. _Anyway_ , _he_ was a literary agent _too_ . For _Bunny Manders_.’

‘Awesome! ...Who is Bunny Manders?’

‘A. J. Raffles’ husband!’

‘Oh!’ Penemue exclaimed excitedly. ‘...No, wait. Who’s A. J. Raffles?’

Zophiel made an incomprehensible spluttering sort of sound. ‘Only, like, the coolest, cleverest, most lovely, squishy, _adorable_ gentlemen cricketer, like, _ever._ He kinda reminds me of Crowley. And Bunny is, like, as brave and fighty and loyal and feral as _Aziraphale!_ And I'm talking _post-Apocalypse_ Aziraphale. Bunny might even be more fighty, if the rumours I've heard are true. And he's _much_ more emotionally open, like, oh my _Jim Kirk_ ,’ Zophiel sort-of-swore, ‘Bunny is, just, like, so totally, ngfskjfhdklgfjh!' It is a little known fact that angels are capable of verbally keysmashing. This is one angelic trait which the Demon Crowley retained after he Fell. 'I’ve only watched the first bit of their adventures together, you know, just to check it’s as cool as The Internet says, and, like, _dude…_ If anything The Internet _downplays it_ , and you _know_ what The Internet is like…’

‘You need to stop referring to _Tumblr_ as “The Internet”. You know there is more to the internet than Tumblr… There’s like… Wikipedia, and, er, Neopets...’

Whatever. That’s not important. What _is_ important is that Raffles and Bunny are already awesome, and I’ve barely covered the first _day_ they reunited. And Bunny wrote, like, four whole _books_ about their life together! Four! That is SO MANY ADVENTURES, Pen; and you just _know_ there’ll be at least twice as many that he didn’t write down, if Watson is any kind of measure. AND then all the little, soft, quiet domestic bits that they couldn’t or didn’t think to write down, and, and, and--!!’ Zophiel took a moment to squeak and take a breath. Angels didn’t technically _need_ to breathe, but Zophiel found it grounding. Angels who took on human corporeal forms did so primarily to stop the humans they interacted with from quite literally getting their minds blown, and as such didn't usually bother with all of the irritating _functionality_ which real humans require in order to not die. For angels and demons, human form is entirely for the sake of practicality. ...Well, that and human fashion doesn't fit so well on beings which primarily consist of a thousand eyes and a spinning metal wheel, and that look is so 1500 BC.

‘Better?’ Penemue asked when Zophiel had regained their balance.

‘I'm cool, I'm cool,' Zoph insisted, putting down the paper bag they miracled to breathe into. 'It's just that Raffles and Bunny are just so _cute_ , Pen. And I haven’t even got far yet! I can just _tell_ it’s gonna get so much better, and the bar is already _so high_ … Like, I haven’t read Bunny’s accounts yet cos, you know, like, I don’t wanna spoil the end before I can watch it for _real_ , but I did read a _teeny, tiny, itsy, bitsy_ little bit of the first one, and-- actually, let me just read you it: " _again I feel the clear beam of his wonderful eye, cold and luminous as a star, shining into my brain—sifting the very secrets of my heart"--'_

‘Ah! Bah bah bah bah bah!’ Penemue cried, jamming their hands over their ears. ‘Spoilers, Zophiel!’

‘I can't spoil it! I haven't watched it yet, _or_ read it -- _much_. I wouldn’t start an epic new thing without _you_ , babe.'

'Awww!' Peneume replied with a grin and a squeeze of their friend's arm. Then that grin turned to a scowl, and the squeeze to a jab. 'No, hey, you didn't _wait_ ; you kicked me into a filing cabinet to make me wake up. That’s not waiting!'

Zoph shrugged. 'Potato, tomato… Look, do you wanna watch or not? And the correct answer to that is _Yes, Zophiel, I DO want to watch, and thank you so much for being so rad as to spend your time finding cute and fluffy and fun things for us to watch whilst I sleep, I am so glad I'm best friends with such a thoughtful, intelligent, stylish, badass, lit ay eff, totes perf, super amazing--'_

‘Zo. Bro. First of all, yes to all that, I love you; second of all, _not_ potato tomato, don't _kick me_ , you monster; and third of all… I still don't actually have any idea who these Raffles and Bunny boys are! If they’re boys. Are they boys? I’m still not sure if Bunny is a person or an actual rabbit…’

'Raffles is a _gentleman_ , and Bunny is… I think Bunny is a bit more like Crowley, a bit more, you know, _fluid_ with boundaries, which, bee-tee-double-you, I totally jive with. Why choose one when you can be _both_? But what he is _not_ is an _actual_ rabbit. ...Although Raffles does call him “ _my dear rabbit”...’_

'My dear rabbit!?' Penemue made a sound which resembled a small animal going through a combine harvester. ' _Cute!!'_

"RIGHT!? And I know that's legit cos I read an _actual quote_ from another one of the books Bunny wrote, not just humans writing on The Internet. So it’s like-- Eeee!'

'Their literary agent let that _get published_? In the _Nineteenth century_? Didn't he, like, hear about Boulton and Park? Or Oscar Wilde!?'

 _'Hear_ about them? My dear Pen, Hornung practically lived _next door_ to the Wildes. Him and his wife - also a badass, by the way - named their son _Oscar._ In the _Spring_ of _1895!!"_

'Woah... That's so punk.'

'So totally punk. And, like, even aside from the Raffles and Bunny love story that transcends law, it's lit ay eff that Hornung took on Bunny and Raffles' story _at all_ , cos…' Zophiel leaned forward in their chair and when they spoke again did so in a low voice, ‘...they were _criminals!_ Jewel thieves! Cracksmen! And they were the _heroes_ of the stories! In Victorian England! The moral _outrage_ alone makes me hella psyched to binge-watch! You _know_ how I love rebels. I’m like Aziraphale. Me and Aziraphale both love rebels. Gotta love a rebel, Pen

‘You _do_ gotta love a rebel. Especially when they are secretly soft, like Crowley.’

‘Raffles is so totally secretly soft.’

‘Argh, I love it already!’

‘Right! This is what I've been trying to tell you, Pen! Victorian Gentleman Burglar Husbands!’

‘Victorian gentleman burglar husbands…’ Penemue said thoughtfully. ‘God, I wish we’d known about them, like, at the _time_. We could have snuck down to _actually meet them_ on their own turf _…’_

‘Oh, shut up, shut up,’ Zophiel cried, covering their eyes. ‘Do you _want_ to hurt me, Penemue? Is that actually what you want to do? Hurt me?’

‘Sorry. It’s just that the nineteenth century was such a _drag_. Stupid Crowley, sleeping; stupid Aziraphale and his stupid gavotting and flirting all the time with Oscar Wilde… I did not enjoy the nineteenth century, Zoph.'

‘Yeah, but that's cos we got too single-minded. It was all _Crowley_ this, and _Aziraphale_ that… When instead of just _obsessing_ over them, we should have _learned_ from them. The _Ineffable Husbands_ aren't just in love with each other, they are in love with the _world!_ And, you know, since we got Aziraphale's old job, I'm really starting to _get_ that. From the moment those humans arrive on the planet, and blinking step into the sun, there’s more for them to see than can ever be seen, and more to do than could, like, _ever_ be done…’ 

‘Zophiel, that almost sounded wise.’

‘I know. It just came into my head. Maybe I’m finally maturing.’

‘I think you are, you know. I think we both are. Maybe it’s from taking over Aziraphale’s old job, sort of. More responsibility. More purpose. More… vacation days.’

‘Yeah. And broadening our horizons. When you were off in that meeting with Tanariel the other day, I watched a _David Attenborough documentary_. Not for work either. I mean, it was on work time, but, you know. I didn’t do it _for_ that. I did it because I _wanted to_. Because I am a _grown-up._ ’

‘You’re a six-thousand year old angelic being for whom time is immaterial, Zophiel. But I get your point.’

‘I am _mature_ now, Pen. _That_ is the point.’

‘Quite so. Me too!’ Penemue replied, sitting up more straight in their chair and smoothing back their dark hair. A purple-knitted tie materialised around their neck in a half-windsor knot; though the effect was somewhat lessened by the _Star Trek: The Animated Series_ t-shirt they were still wearing. ‘And now, us pair of mature and, uh, tax-paying adults will maturely watch a mature Victorian real-life story about two criminals, and in doing so expand our professional expertise on the history of the nineteenth century, about which we have hitherto been, er, unforgivably remiss about… knowing about.’

‘Yes. Indubitably. Henceforth that is precisely what we will undertake. We shall be mature and sensible and clever and professional. Unequivocally, old sport.’

‘Marvellous, my dear Zophiel. Now, I shall miracle up the caramel popcorn with M&Ms and Percy Pigs; you fetch the cherry-vanilla ice cream floats with sprinkles and whipped cream.’

Zophiel clapped their hands together excitedly. ‘And then the Crime and Cricket week-long binge-fest can COMMENCE!’

**Author's Note:**

> For anyone reading this for Pen and Zoph: Go read Raffles! Here's the Project Gutenberg link to the first book. You can read along with Pen and Zoph, ZOMG! And I think P&Z will possibly be revisting Raffles at some point again (oh ho ho...), so, I mean... You know you want to. Go on. Raffles really is every bit as good at Zophiel says. Don't you trust Zophiel? You'll break their poor little idiot angel heart if you don't....
> 
> http://www.gutenberg.org/files/706/706-h/706-h.htm
> 
> And anyone reading this for _Raffles_ , or... who are somehow here for any other reason, if you like Pen and Zoph (and why the heck wouldn't you?! They aren't at all annoying!!!) Here are links to other stories in which they appear...
> 
> Freeze: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20847599/chapters/49659632  
> Ash: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20847599/chapters/49988450  
> Misfit: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20847599/chapters/50161493  
> Injured: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20847599/chapters/50547674  
> Wrapping Paper: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21634297/chapters/52213006


End file.
